Thursday, November 04, 2004 | 11:10 AM
The Official Shmexy Frequently Asked Questions Answer Guide! (Q=Question, NA=Nicole's Answer, RA=Rachel's Answer)Q: Oh, Rachel and Nicole, you are so beautiful and perfect! How may I achieve such radiance, poise, and perfection in my own life?
NA: Some people have it, some people don't. We do, and you don't, therefore we have a duty to share with you what we can, namely our lists of gorgeous guys.
RA: I must say, I agree with Nicole. We're hotttt. You are not (unless you're on our lists).
Q: Who the hell are you people? Don't you have something better to do with your time than stereotype Mexicans and objectify men?
NA: We are Rachel and Nicole. Since the only other alternative to blogging about hotness is schoolwork, we'd have to say no, we've nothing better to do with our time.
RA: I suddenly have the urge to say "DON'T ASK QUESTIONS!"
Q: Why do you keep reffering to your "Wives?" And just what is a "Spice?"
NA: Nicole, Rachel, and Katho are all married to each other. I hope that isn't difficult for your limited intellect to comprehend. And "Spice" is the plural of spouse. Because my Spice and I say so.
RA: You forgot Emma! She's one of our spice, too! And you know what? In Ancient China, people actually TRADED SPICE! How absurd! How appalling! How....RUDE!
Q: Why isn't(aren't) the 3rd (and 4th) wife (wives) featured on this blog? Is she (are they) like that mysterious 3rd Osbourne, Aimee?
NA: She is hardly a 3rd wife, as no wife is ranked. Katho does not post on this blog, for is mature and interested in the male "personality," rather than the hottosity. And we object to being compared to the Osbournes, as the entire family suffers from dyshmexia.
RA: You really need to stop forgetting Emma!
Q: I am concerned that I may suffer from dyshmexia. What can I do to escape it's terrible clutches? Is there a cure for this horrid disease? Is there a product I can use, as I have no positive personality traits?
NA: There is no way to escape dyshmexia's control over your life, and the limits it places on your happiness. However, in rare events when guys have been wrong, and been gorgeous, they found the following checklist helpfull:
1. Are you British and/or have a cute, obscure little accent?
2. Are you completely hilarious? Would you crack Nicole up?
3. Are you gay and/or famous?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, there is hope for you yet. You may be hot and not even know it.
RA: I second numbers 1 and 2!
Q: Does one need a boyfriend (or girlfriend) to be "shmexy"?
RA: Well, it's funny you ask that! See, just today for some odd reason, Bernstein and Dmitriy were telling me that I needed a boyfriend. They just said "Rachel REALLY needs a boyfriend," and gave no explination (don't worry, they weren't implying for my bf to be either of themselves). Therefore, one must conclude that one DOESN'T need a boyfriend. If Bernstein or Dmitriy tells one to do something, one must do the opposite (lol, jk). But really, I am shmexy, and have never had a boyfriend. I, of course, would not OBJECT to any such boyfriend, however, it is not NECESSARY in one's career as a "shmexer" as one can obviously see by looking at Nicole and myself.
That concludes our first edition of "Nicole and Rachel's FAQ." Keep up your hottness, or find an outlet for the frustration caused by your dyshmexia, and keep checking back for updates!
